1. Approach the ball and make sure it is yours, because, let’s face it Dave, you are usually not in the fairway.
2. If you don’t aim, you only increase your chances that you will end up on some lonely beach... and since you know you really can’t hit out of the sand it would be wise to step back behind the ball and take the time to line up your shot dumb ass.
3. Pay attention to the wind. It is not often you hit it correctly and pure, but if you do get lucky loser… don’t have the wrong club in your hand.
4. Step up to the ball like an athlete playing a sport… not a sommelier serving wine from a decanter pussy boy.
5. Make sure you are far enough away from the ball.
6. Hey Hunchback… stick your boney ass out and straighten your spine if you expect to pivot smoothly.
7. Is your body square to the ball… or are you starting to lead with your right hip? You can’t get any power if you don’t allow yourself to load up. You can’t load up fully if you body is not in plane. David when I say load up “fully,” you know I don’t think you can actually load up like a real golfer, I am working with what I got, you… just pay attention and maybe we can get you to drive one past the ladies tees.
8. Check your grip. Don’t forget to rotate the right hand more to the left over your left hand. Feel the finest Cabretta leather on that $23 Titleist Players Glove that you are not worthy to wear. This is why you pay Kyle for lessons! Try to actually use some of the advice that you are paying for if you are going to have the balls to blame him when you chunk it.
9. Practice swing one… the slow one.
10. Rotate spine and actually move your shoulders so they are perpendicular to the ground.
11. Arms should be away from your body and back.
12. Think flat and in plane.
13. Open club face…don’t forget that!
14. Smooth transition of power from right hip through left hammy.
15. Remember the drill where Kyle has you lean forward and take shots from the forward leaning position. He does this because you suck. Sorry, did I say that out loud? He does that because you need to move that momentum and power down the fairway in front of you… not down at the ball like a third grade girl trying to kill a spider.
16. Was your head still when you were in the backswing or did you rock? Do what you want, but if you rock, you could squib a worm burner across the tee box or even worse, completely miss the ball and humiliate yourself in front of three grown men. But you know that shame, don’t you Dave? Each and every memory eats you to your core every night when you go to bed. So go ahead, move your body if you want.
17. Now…relax, breath easy, and prepare for the second practice swing.
18. Wiggle that anxiety out. Truth be told, a horse tranquilizer couldn’t shake the 49 years of anxiety out of you… but say it anyway… maybe Santa is real too. Dr. Bob Rotella wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole.
19. Loosen the grip on that club. Gently, like a baby. By the way, why are you still using Fax’s hand me down clubs. You are holding a ten year old professional Tilteist iron that is stiffer that Tiger on Cialis in a whorehouse. First you are not worthy to use that piece of equipment, and secondly, it is designed for players that have actual club head speed. Yeah, the stepped shaft looks cool and matches that official Faxon golf shirt which also looks cool…. ON FAXON! Not you. You are like the ugly girl that invests in a big set of knockers. “It’s not going to help honey, your face could stop a clock.” By the way Dave, that particular club has a smaller sweet spot than Nancy Pelosi. But, oh, sure, you can hit it Dave. Why don’t you spend some money on some new clubs you cheap prick. You may want to try women’s clubs… you might finally get some distance!
20. Ok, practice swing two.
21. Rotate
22. Load up
23. Swing through with loose hands
24. Eye on the ball
25. At 135% club speed to reinforce the feeling of rotating through the ball.
26. Breath out.
27. Eye on ball.
28. Hit ball at normal speed and try and keep your body in sequence with the club.
29. Simple as that, you stupid fuck.
30. Why do you suck so badly? You are an embarrassment to all of golfers past, present, and future. King James IV of Scotland is rooting for you to give up this sport from his grave.
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David,
ReplyDeleteBrilliant. I look forward to future analysis of the delicate balance required here. I somehow feel that if you could include some golden section stuff your golf swing will become totally figured out.
I can add that to the myriad of garbage that is floating around in my head! ;^)
ReplyDeleteFirst Testimonial is in:
ReplyDelete"You still have the distinction of being the only person in 42 years of golfing that I’ve seen lose a golf ball on his practice swing!"
Bob Savoie
I can't wait to play with you. I'm a 23 index but I'll give you strokes.
ReplyDeleteI like when your about to post there is a little wheelchair next to the post button.
ReplyDeleteI would love to play... AND I will take your strokes... BUT I want to play from the nine holer tees. I will wear the prerequisite skirt.
ReplyDelete