Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Donald Ross is turning over in his grave...
A flower bed was just installed behind the 4th hole at RICC to add color! Well, how about a Mary in a bath tub... or a koi pond, or 30 foot high statue of me with my pants on my ankles, shining a big hairy ass moon at all approaching shots. All three landscape features would have an equal place in this landscape.
Just look at the picture above. The flower bed now dominates the entire hole, and in (not so) my humble opinion, flies in the face of anything Donald Ross would want to see around one of his greens. You don't have to be landscape architect to realize that changes to golf course designed by a world class golf course architect should follow the spirit of the original design parti.
Just look at the picture above. The flower bed now dominates the entire hole, and in (not so) my humble opinion, flies in the face of anything Donald Ross would want to see around one of his greens. You don't have to be landscape architect to realize that changes to golf course designed by a world class golf course architect should follow the spirit of the original design parti.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
New Titleist STH balls are amazingly accurate... I do not recommend them
I tried a sleeve of the new STH's (Sand Trap Heavy) balls designed by world class engineers at Titleist to weight themselves out of pure flight into any bunker below them. The thought was that if you are confident enough in your sand game, these will always give you the perfect lie.
They worked remarkable well... and thank goodness I had my shovel and pale. But truth be told, my sand game is not at a level where I can handle these bad boys.
They worked remarkable well... and thank goodness I had my shovel and pale. But truth be told, my sand game is not at a level where I can handle these bad boys.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Buns of Steel | Forged out on the Range
Jim Goodwin enters talks with Richard Simmons Productions to produce a golf exercise video.
Jim Goodwin, known internationally by his great back side, is developing this state of the art video will use cutting edge technological advances that he has developed under a grant with the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) to produce a new exercise video for Richard Simmons Productions. These exercises are designed by Jim to be done on the driving range while practicing your golf game, but are intended to produce fast, powerful movements, and improve the functions of the nervous system. Jim theorizes that plyometric movements within the buttocks improves when the muscle is loaded and then contracted in rapid sequence, use the strength, elasticity and innervation of muscle and surrounding tissues to drive the ball longer, run from Andreozzi stray shots faster, and throw clubs as far as Danny.
Jim Goodwin, known internationally by his great back side, is developing this state of the art video will use cutting edge technological advances that he has developed under a grant with the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) to produce a new exercise video for Richard Simmons Productions. These exercises are designed by Jim to be done on the driving range while practicing your golf game, but are intended to produce fast, powerful movements, and improve the functions of the nervous system. Jim theorizes that plyometric movements within the buttocks improves when the muscle is loaded and then contracted in rapid sequence, use the strength, elasticity and innervation of muscle and surrounding tissues to drive the ball longer, run from Andreozzi stray shots faster, and throw clubs as far as Danny.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Andreozzi to be Fitted for Titleist AP1's tomorrow morning by Kyle Phelps.
Andreozzi, represented by IMG World, has entered into agreement with Titleist to use their AP1's for payment at full list price. He was quoted at this morning's tournament press conference "I love the way the AP1's actually make me look like a much better golfer than I really am. I think they take 10 strokes off my golf image... and 5 lbs off my girl boobs as well! I am having lunch with Phil today and will mention that his man boobs could benefit from these irons as well!"
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Dan Cregan to be featured speaker at Jules Olley's new RICC Etiquette Classes.
Enjoyable, interactive, character building etiquette classes are being taught by the club manager, Jules Olley. Dan plans to take care of the outside course etiquette. If your child's class is interested in holding an etiquette class, please email Jules at jules@ricc.org.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I finally demo'd a new set of clubs... Titleist AP2's
Only because Cheryl said... what kind cheap bastard are you? Well, not in those exact words. More like... Dave you have boxes filled with wine arriving every day that you will piss out tomorrow, and you wont buy a new set for clubs that you will use for years? I explained that I like the feel of hitting a Pro V1 with my Mashie and my Niblick! She didn't buy it. I liked them allot... but the bottom line was that I played well on Sunday, not because of the technology, but because I swung at the ball correctly a couple of times. I would love to upgrade my brain, not my equipment.
Coincidentally, I bumped into Peter Broome, a friend and exec at Titleist before the round, who commented that the 1's were even more forgiving than the 2's... which was a very polite way to say, Dave you suck, and you could use all the help you can get. So I will try them next!
Coincidentally, I bumped into Peter Broome, a friend and exec at Titleist before the round, who commented that the 1's were even more forgiving than the 2's... which was a very polite way to say, Dave you suck, and you could use all the help you can get. So I will try them next!
How about we do a RICC review for future improvements to the course design.
When I say improvements I mean reconstructing Rhode Island Country Club closer to Donald Ross's original intent. I will take a pad and a camera when we play from the tips in a week and a half. This will keep my mind busy and not thinking about a day of par fives!
The 4th hole, today and yesterday.
The 4th hole, today and yesterday.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Goodwin Strikes Back
Your Kodak moment provided by Professor Jim Goodwin... when, on the 16th tee box, after a bit of a struggle, we could all hear him say to himself as he was about to hit.... Jim, let's shake off this yeast infection. We all pretty much bust into tears laughing.
...except, at that very moment on the other side of the golf galaxy, Leslie, his wonderful wife sat at home with a hot coffee and the Projo, stopped for an abrupt second, and said a low concerned voice... "There has been a disturbance in the force. I have felt it."
...except, at that very moment on the other side of the golf galaxy, Leslie, his wonderful wife sat at home with a hot coffee and the Projo, stopped for an abrupt second, and said a low concerned voice... "There has been a disturbance in the force. I have felt it."
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Eventually... even the blind squirrel finds a nut!
Yup, Kyle was right when he said "David, I have never said this to anyone since I have been giving lessons, but you could really benefit by starting with a couple of drinks before you come down to the range."
So I approached the first tee for our 7am tee time with a touch of alcohol left in my blood stream from last night. It happened to be damn good vino, a 2004 Agharta Syrah. It was aged for 58 months in French oak casks! That sounds insane... but it was insanely good! Sorry, I digress...
Well, something clicked and I lucked into an 89.... yup, broke 90! I really think it was the golf gods fucking with me, like a pitcher setting up a batter for a high heat punch out with an inside off speed pitch. Translation... it will only make my next 105 more painful. This is a sick game. Here is our scorecard... sweet.
Sunday was two ball day. For non golfers, this means there are actually nine two ball matches running at the same time among our foursome. For example player one is in three separate matches with each of the other three members of the foursome, and so on. In any case, within our group there was a three way tie for low score. Cregan-Andreozzi 61, Cregan-Goodwin 61 and Andreozzi-Goodwin 61 We will see how it hold up against the rest of the field tomorrow morning.
Goodwin played rock steady, Perryman had the golden horse shoe firmly in place using various horticulture throughout the course to set up his approach shots, and Cregan was holing out like he was dropping two foot putts.
Perryman had a massive quadruple bogie at the turn while eating breakfast when he pontificated that either summer tomatoes or fresh bananas are the most enticing and desirable things to eat in the world. Hello Perryman?
We also decided in a moment of masochistic weakness to play from the tips in two weeks. Been there, done that... its not going to be pretty for me. The only good news is that I have a decent chance of landing my drives on the nine holer tee boxes and still maintaining a fairway lie.
An awesome day... peace.
So I approached the first tee for our 7am tee time with a touch of alcohol left in my blood stream from last night. It happened to be damn good vino, a 2004 Agharta Syrah. It was aged for 58 months in French oak casks! That sounds insane... but it was insanely good! Sorry, I digress...
Well, something clicked and I lucked into an 89.... yup, broke 90! I really think it was the golf gods fucking with me, like a pitcher setting up a batter for a high heat punch out with an inside off speed pitch. Translation... it will only make my next 105 more painful. This is a sick game. Here is our scorecard... sweet.
Sunday was two ball day. For non golfers, this means there are actually nine two ball matches running at the same time among our foursome. For example player one is in three separate matches with each of the other three members of the foursome, and so on. In any case, within our group there was a three way tie for low score. Cregan-Andreozzi 61, Cregan-Goodwin 61 and Andreozzi-Goodwin 61 We will see how it hold up against the rest of the field tomorrow morning.
Goodwin played rock steady, Perryman had the golden horse shoe firmly in place using various horticulture throughout the course to set up his approach shots, and Cregan was holing out like he was dropping two foot putts.
Perryman had a massive quadruple bogie at the turn while eating breakfast when he pontificated that either summer tomatoes or fresh bananas are the most enticing and desirable things to eat in the world. Hello Perryman?
We also decided in a moment of masochistic weakness to play from the tips in two weeks. Been there, done that... its not going to be pretty for me. The only good news is that I have a decent chance of landing my drives on the nine holer tee boxes and still maintaining a fairway lie.
An awesome day... peace.
6:15am | Purple stained teeth and a slight headache.
It could be a long round of 18 holes this morning. Perhaps a big honking cigar will help!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Horseshoe Perry becomes the Sandman!
For a guy that gave up a golf cart for a camel in order to help him find is way out of the sand... Perryman became Olin Browne this morning wholing out and dropping sandies on us from left and right.
If anyone is interested, Greg has just posted an add for Caroline on Craigs list. If you mention this blog he will give you a 15% discount and real big pooper scooper. She is cute as a button!
If anyone is interested, Greg has just posted an add for Caroline on Craigs list. If you mention this blog he will give you a 15% discount and real big pooper scooper. She is cute as a button!
A newspaper 95 this morning. I will take it, it's in the right direction.
We went over to try some clubs out at a Cobra /Titleist demo day at the range just after our round. Some Titleist dude came over to me personally and told me they were out of samples for me. He offered me a discount coupon for a new set of TaylorMades if I got home quickly to my wife.
Friday, May 14, 2010
The latest rumor at Rhode Island Country Club
That Kyle Phelps is setting up an Indian scout program to replace my caddies. I spoke directly to President Picc (pronounced pitch for Piccerelli), and it appears to be totally untrue. Just a crude and hurtful joke on my behalf. DAMN! I am a bit disappointed.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Cost | A dozen DSRA balls and a bucket of tears...
The following Lottery Tee Time has been ASSIGNED.
Saturday 5/15/2010 on the Front tee
at 7:00 AM
Player 1: Daniel P Cregan CRT
Player 2: David S Andreozzi CRT
Player 3: Craig Fisher CAD
Player 4: Gregory D Perry CAD
The following Lottery Tee Time has been ASSIGNED.
Sunday 5/16/2010 on the Front tee
at 7:00 AM
Player 1: Daniel P Cregan CRT
Player 2: David S Andreozzi CRT
Player 3: Jim Goodwin CAD
Player 4: Gregory D Perry CAD
Saturday 5/15/2010 on the Front tee
at 7:00 AM
Player 1: Daniel P Cregan CRT
Player 2: David S Andreozzi CRT
Player 3: Craig Fisher CAD
Player 4: Gregory D Perry CAD
The following Lottery Tee Time has been ASSIGNED.
Sunday 5/16/2010 on the Front tee
at 7:00 AM
Player 1: Daniel P Cregan CRT
Player 2: David S Andreozzi CRT
Player 3: Jim Goodwin CAD
Player 4: Gregory D Perry CAD
Signed 8 x 10 glossies are available by contacting our team of agents at IMG...
David Andreozzi
Dan Cregan
Greg Perry
Jim Goodwin
Craig Fisher
Playbill | Let me introduce you to the cast
You know me, a bit psychotic but friendly. I don’t bite…usually. I am a 20 and rising because I blow. I am an architect that designs custom houses www.andreozzi.com with serious wine issues. I find purple stained teeth go well with 7 am tee times. For the record, I have no business playing with these guys, they put up with allot of my breakdowns on the course. I am grateful for that.
Dan Cregan is the group’s Commish and low handicap playing at a 3 going to a 2. Dan has clear demands on his golf partners... primarily that you play fast and you are not an asshole. It is surprising how short the list gets with those two simple denominators! :^) Only kidding Dan. To be clear, we rarely feel rushed ever… we simply like to play ready golf, and get home to enjoy the weekend days. Let’s face it, there are no cameras out there on the course… just get to your ball, pick your club and take a swing at it… or in my case, take a couple of swipes at it. We try and keep the bullshit to a minimum and the ball busting to a maximum. His short game is stupid good… his cutting humor is better.
Greg Perry - Think John Daly playing at a 14 with brains and an awesome wine cellar. (Yeah I designed it, so what. I was referring to the wine!) He can hit piss out of a ball...I am talking next zip code… if he connects. He has about 30 yards on my drive with his 3 wood. Rumor has it that Greg's mom must of had a very tough delivery, because Greg was born with golden horseshoe up his ass. You can NEVER count the Perryman out. Off the tee we have seen it all... tree to fairway, house roof to fairway, fertilizer truck to fairway. If the member-member where the high school dance, Greg’s 14 is analogous to the real blonde with the real rack with an open door policy (if you know what I mean)... always the first to get invited to dance.
Jim Goodwin - our 13, and our unofficial coach, unofficial coach teacher, unofficial critic, unofficial cheerleader, unofficial bookie, and unofficial therapist. Jim is our rock, until his game falters, then we all stay clear.
Our 1st Alternate is Craig Fisher, a neighbor, good friend, a fellow Architect, a red wine drinker, a cigar smoker, and a shitload of fun to spend time with. Too bad the putz is a Yankees fan. We excuse it because he takes us to Yankees Stadium to see the Red Sox!
Next we will introduce you to Kyle Phelps... Rhode Island Country Club Pro, and good friend.... until we hit a bad shot all take turns yelling FUCK YOU Kyle.
Dan Cregan is the group’s Commish and low handicap playing at a 3 going to a 2. Dan has clear demands on his golf partners... primarily that you play fast and you are not an asshole. It is surprising how short the list gets with those two simple denominators! :^) Only kidding Dan. To be clear, we rarely feel rushed ever… we simply like to play ready golf, and get home to enjoy the weekend days. Let’s face it, there are no cameras out there on the course… just get to your ball, pick your club and take a swing at it… or in my case, take a couple of swipes at it. We try and keep the bullshit to a minimum and the ball busting to a maximum. His short game is stupid good… his cutting humor is better.
Greg Perry - Think John Daly playing at a 14 with brains and an awesome wine cellar. (Yeah I designed it, so what. I was referring to the wine!) He can hit piss out of a ball...I am talking next zip code… if he connects. He has about 30 yards on my drive with his 3 wood. Rumor has it that Greg's mom must of had a very tough delivery, because Greg was born with golden horseshoe up his ass. You can NEVER count the Perryman out. Off the tee we have seen it all... tree to fairway, house roof to fairway, fertilizer truck to fairway. If the member-member where the high school dance, Greg’s 14 is analogous to the real blonde with the real rack with an open door policy (if you know what I mean)... always the first to get invited to dance.
Jim Goodwin - our 13, and our unofficial coach, unofficial coach teacher, unofficial critic, unofficial cheerleader, unofficial bookie, and unofficial therapist. Jim is our rock, until his game falters, then we all stay clear.
Our 1st Alternate is Craig Fisher, a neighbor, good friend, a fellow Architect, a red wine drinker, a cigar smoker, and a shitload of fun to spend time with. Too bad the putz is a Yankees fan. We excuse it because he takes us to Yankees Stadium to see the Red Sox!
Next we will introduce you to Kyle Phelps... Rhode Island Country Club Pro, and good friend.... until we hit a bad shot all take turns yelling FUCK YOU Kyle.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I am concerned about losing my Titleist sponsorship
Well, kinda. Here is the deal. When I started playing golf I was losing a dozen balls a round. Aside from the cost, I felt it was embarrassing for me to be using Titleist quality balls while hacking up the joint… like the wine dork that puts ice cubes in their $400 Montrachet. Puleazze!
So I used the score of 100 at my waypoint to be worthy of the company’s products. I broke that barrier with a 95 at Montaup in Portsmouth, RI on October 19, 2006 with my last Top Flite XL2000. Since then I have been towing the Titleist line. On June 16th 2009 I shot an 89 with my NXT Tour and decided I would take it to the next level… I would start every round of golf with a Pro V1 and drop down to the NXT if I lost it during the round. Just another way to punish myself. Well, now that I am starting to post 100’s again so I am thinking I might have to punish myself further with a down grade in equipment. Truth be told, I don’t lose a ton of balls, but I am not feeling worthy. Perhaps a better punishment for my bad play would be to use ladies pink balls until I can get me game back together. That humiliation should relax me out there!
Mrs. Manners | It's not all about you, Jerk!
This isn't rocket science.
1. DONT CHEAT - Who fakes their handicap so they can win $15 from their best friend every Saturday morning. Are you kidding me!!! Truth be told, my handicap is at least a full stroke lower than it should be due to the generosity of my friends giving me puts I don't deserve getting. Even a 24 incher is roller coaster ride and a reason to change my tidy whities.
2. Repair Divots - This is a tough one because half the time there is no sand in the urinal containers, but if the pro's can do it, so can you.
3. Rake Bunkers - It so freaking rude to approach your ball and see it in a foot print or a paw print. (I will save the "go walk your dog someplace else" tirade for another day. How about if I take a dump in your front yard!) I have a 1 and 10 shot of making a sandy as it is... I don’t need you to make it worse.
4. Play fast - You are not making your living out here waiting for camera time on national tv, play ready golf. If your partner is preparing to take a shot, get off your blackberry, stop scratching your ass, and start to plan your next shot. Its simple, keep pace with the group in front of you, and pick up when feel like a David Andreozzi moment is upon you.
1. DONT CHEAT - Who fakes their handicap so they can win $15 from their best friend every Saturday morning. Are you kidding me!!! Truth be told, my handicap is at least a full stroke lower than it should be due to the generosity of my friends giving me puts I don't deserve getting. Even a 24 incher is roller coaster ride and a reason to change my tidy whities.
2. Repair Divots - This is a tough one because half the time there is no sand in the urinal containers, but if the pro's can do it, so can you.
3. Rake Bunkers - It so freaking rude to approach your ball and see it in a foot print or a paw print. (I will save the "go walk your dog someplace else" tirade for another day. How about if I take a dump in your front yard!) I have a 1 and 10 shot of making a sandy as it is... I don’t need you to make it worse.
4. Play fast - You are not making your living out here waiting for camera time on national tv, play ready golf. If your partner is preparing to take a shot, get off your blackberry, stop scratching your ass, and start to plan your next shot. Its simple, keep pace with the group in front of you, and pick up when feel like a David Andreozzi moment is upon you.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Lets play from the tips... you stupid prick!
Actually a fun 104, if there is such a thing. My son Rob called me from the middle of exams at Roger Williams College and asked me to play golf this afternoon. We teed off around 3:30 from the par 3 tenth at RICC. Cold and windy, I grabbed my driver (because remember, I hit like a girl,) Rob laughed at me (he really respects me as a Dad) with some mid iron in his hand, and I feathered the fucker 30" from the pin. BIRDIE! If anyone says I shit my pants on that 30" putt, there are no pictures. It is a lie, that is my story, and I am sticking to it. At that point, I should have gone home, REALLY. I was sitting under par, the gallery (they follow me when things are rolling... you saw The Beautiful Mind, right?). But no, I continued to play and waited for my game to come around. Chunk, whiff, pull... I really started to get it all going. At one point I really started to feel badly for my ball. It was a pro-v1, a gift, and it really deserved a better owner than me.
God, I suck.
God, I suck.
Monday, May 10, 2010
A true golf recomendation from Kyle Phelps...
"David, I have never said this to anyone since I have been giving lessons, but you could really benefit by starting with a couple of drinks before you come down to the range." circa 2008
The Devil’s Swing Thoughts |The implosion of a golf game in one quick swing.
1. Approach the ball and make sure it is yours, because, let’s face it Dave, you are usually not in the fairway.
2. If you don’t aim, you only increase your chances that you will end up on some lonely beach... and since you know you really can’t hit out of the sand it would be wise to step back behind the ball and take the time to line up your shot dumb ass.
3. Pay attention to the wind. It is not often you hit it correctly and pure, but if you do get lucky loser… don’t have the wrong club in your hand.
4. Step up to the ball like an athlete playing a sport… not a sommelier serving wine from a decanter pussy boy.
5. Make sure you are far enough away from the ball.
6. Hey Hunchback… stick your boney ass out and straighten your spine if you expect to pivot smoothly.
7. Is your body square to the ball… or are you starting to lead with your right hip? You can’t get any power if you don’t allow yourself to load up. You can’t load up fully if you body is not in plane. David when I say load up “fully,” you know I don’t think you can actually load up like a real golfer, I am working with what I got, you… just pay attention and maybe we can get you to drive one past the ladies tees.
8. Check your grip. Don’t forget to rotate the right hand more to the left over your left hand. Feel the finest Cabretta leather on that $23 Titleist Players Glove that you are not worthy to wear. This is why you pay Kyle for lessons! Try to actually use some of the advice that you are paying for if you are going to have the balls to blame him when you chunk it.
9. Practice swing one… the slow one.
10. Rotate spine and actually move your shoulders so they are perpendicular to the ground.
11. Arms should be away from your body and back.
12. Think flat and in plane.
13. Open club face…don’t forget that!
14. Smooth transition of power from right hip through left hammy.
15. Remember the drill where Kyle has you lean forward and take shots from the forward leaning position. He does this because you suck. Sorry, did I say that out loud? He does that because you need to move that momentum and power down the fairway in front of you… not down at the ball like a third grade girl trying to kill a spider.
16. Was your head still when you were in the backswing or did you rock? Do what you want, but if you rock, you could squib a worm burner across the tee box or even worse, completely miss the ball and humiliate yourself in front of three grown men. But you know that shame, don’t you Dave? Each and every memory eats you to your core every night when you go to bed. So go ahead, move your body if you want.
17. Now…relax, breath easy, and prepare for the second practice swing.
18. Wiggle that anxiety out. Truth be told, a horse tranquilizer couldn’t shake the 49 years of anxiety out of you… but say it anyway… maybe Santa is real too. Dr. Bob Rotella wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole.
19. Loosen the grip on that club. Gently, like a baby. By the way, why are you still using Fax’s hand me down clubs. You are holding a ten year old professional Tilteist iron that is stiffer that Tiger on Cialis in a whorehouse. First you are not worthy to use that piece of equipment, and secondly, it is designed for players that have actual club head speed. Yeah, the stepped shaft looks cool and matches that official Faxon golf shirt which also looks cool…. ON FAXON! Not you. You are like the ugly girl that invests in a big set of knockers. “It’s not going to help honey, your face could stop a clock.” By the way Dave, that particular club has a smaller sweet spot than Nancy Pelosi. But, oh, sure, you can hit it Dave. Why don’t you spend some money on some new clubs you cheap prick. You may want to try women’s clubs… you might finally get some distance!
20. Ok, practice swing two.
21. Rotate
22. Load up
23. Swing through with loose hands
24. Eye on the ball
25. At 135% club speed to reinforce the feeling of rotating through the ball.
26. Breath out.
27. Eye on ball.
28. Hit ball at normal speed and try and keep your body in sequence with the club.
29. Simple as that, you stupid fuck.
30. Why do you suck so badly? You are an embarrassment to all of golfers past, present, and future. King James IV of Scotland is rooting for you to give up this sport from his grave.
2. If you don’t aim, you only increase your chances that you will end up on some lonely beach... and since you know you really can’t hit out of the sand it would be wise to step back behind the ball and take the time to line up your shot dumb ass.
3. Pay attention to the wind. It is not often you hit it correctly and pure, but if you do get lucky loser… don’t have the wrong club in your hand.
4. Step up to the ball like an athlete playing a sport… not a sommelier serving wine from a decanter pussy boy.
5. Make sure you are far enough away from the ball.
6. Hey Hunchback… stick your boney ass out and straighten your spine if you expect to pivot smoothly.
7. Is your body square to the ball… or are you starting to lead with your right hip? You can’t get any power if you don’t allow yourself to load up. You can’t load up fully if you body is not in plane. David when I say load up “fully,” you know I don’t think you can actually load up like a real golfer, I am working with what I got, you… just pay attention and maybe we can get you to drive one past the ladies tees.
8. Check your grip. Don’t forget to rotate the right hand more to the left over your left hand. Feel the finest Cabretta leather on that $23 Titleist Players Glove that you are not worthy to wear. This is why you pay Kyle for lessons! Try to actually use some of the advice that you are paying for if you are going to have the balls to blame him when you chunk it.
9. Practice swing one… the slow one.
10. Rotate spine and actually move your shoulders so they are perpendicular to the ground.
11. Arms should be away from your body and back.
12. Think flat and in plane.
13. Open club face…don’t forget that!
14. Smooth transition of power from right hip through left hammy.
15. Remember the drill where Kyle has you lean forward and take shots from the forward leaning position. He does this because you suck. Sorry, did I say that out loud? He does that because you need to move that momentum and power down the fairway in front of you… not down at the ball like a third grade girl trying to kill a spider.
16. Was your head still when you were in the backswing or did you rock? Do what you want, but if you rock, you could squib a worm burner across the tee box or even worse, completely miss the ball and humiliate yourself in front of three grown men. But you know that shame, don’t you Dave? Each and every memory eats you to your core every night when you go to bed. So go ahead, move your body if you want.
17. Now…relax, breath easy, and prepare for the second practice swing.
18. Wiggle that anxiety out. Truth be told, a horse tranquilizer couldn’t shake the 49 years of anxiety out of you… but say it anyway… maybe Santa is real too. Dr. Bob Rotella wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole.
19. Loosen the grip on that club. Gently, like a baby. By the way, why are you still using Fax’s hand me down clubs. You are holding a ten year old professional Tilteist iron that is stiffer that Tiger on Cialis in a whorehouse. First you are not worthy to use that piece of equipment, and secondly, it is designed for players that have actual club head speed. Yeah, the stepped shaft looks cool and matches that official Faxon golf shirt which also looks cool…. ON FAXON! Not you. You are like the ugly girl that invests in a big set of knockers. “It’s not going to help honey, your face could stop a clock.” By the way Dave, that particular club has a smaller sweet spot than Nancy Pelosi. But, oh, sure, you can hit it Dave. Why don’t you spend some money on some new clubs you cheap prick. You may want to try women’s clubs… you might finally get some distance!
20. Ok, practice swing two.
21. Rotate
22. Load up
23. Swing through with loose hands
24. Eye on the ball
25. At 135% club speed to reinforce the feeling of rotating through the ball.
26. Breath out.
27. Eye on ball.
28. Hit ball at normal speed and try and keep your body in sequence with the club.
29. Simple as that, you stupid fuck.
30. Why do you suck so badly? You are an embarrassment to all of golfers past, present, and future. King James IV of Scotland is rooting for you to give up this sport from his grave.
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