Its tough to preform with cold balls... burrrr.

Seriously, who can really preform well with cold "hard as rock" balls. Less flexibility and control to maneuver in and out of hard to get spots, less dependability to ensure the consistency of one reputation, and frankly, it effects the distance. And if you don't have the length, your fan base will surely start to dwindle.

I can honestly say after the last week...I have no interest in playing golf.

Will I? Well, perhaps if I am dragged out there with cigars and single malt, but the will is completely gone. After slowly improving all year, the last two weeks have become a pretty miserable experience spiraling me back to the core of my being, a pretty shitty golfer. Here are the reasons why...

1. It's really fucking cold. I am wearing so many layers of clothes I don't feel comfortable to rotate, which is causing my arms to collapse on my back swing, and not follow through. I am tired of watching the results of that combination, usually a pussy fade as I come out of my 1/2 swing. What an embarrassing joke.

2. The track I play on, RICC and cow pasture, is starting to finally improve from this summers disaster, but these are the current conditions:  many of the fairways are aerated, some of the greens are aerated, most of the greens are patched, and some of the greens have dead patches. The tee boxes have been recently widened by Helen Keller so there are uneven dead lines on both sides of most boxes.  The sand traps (which should be completely restored for 2012) are composed of compacted mud with a light dusting of sand. Around the greens are patches dead grass and hard pan. The perfect lie for a 17 handicap hack to get his balls to spin in 40 degree temperatures.

3. oh, the final reason... (after I blame every outside possible influence,) is that I suck!


Its just not fun anymore. I cant believe I am saying this, but I need a long fucking break from golf.

Piccerellis 27 - Andreozzi's 21.... in an match of the ages.

Matt, Mark, David & Bill Piccerelli (The Yankee luvin Evil Empire)

Rob, Bob, David & BJ Andreozzi -  The Good Guys!

Bob & Bills clan... a friendship born on Maple Avenue

The youngest Andreozzi, Rob, honors the Dom Piccerelli with The Golden Artichoke

The 2010 Fall Champions - Matt, Mark, Bill, & David

The sore losers, waiting for the protests to be reviewed.

The most desired trophy in golf... The Golden Artichoke.

The Scorecard

3 sleeves of PROv1s, 4 pair of underwear, and a 97 ... the nightmare at Agawam ends well!

Nervous doesn't begin to explain the nightmare that was my mind, spiraling out of control trying desperately not to vomit, not to crap my pants, and still swing a club with some semblance of a golfer. My first hole was the 16th at Agawam, in the tenth group (otherwise known as the pots and pans division,) out in search of the Donald Ross Cup. I get up with about a 205 yard shot on a par three with no water in play, unless you shank it sideways. Nice thought Dave. I come totally out of the swing and toe my first shot right into the drink. WOW. What an total loser asshole.

I take my drop and I am looking at about 145yrds from a shitty lie. DUFF CITY. Can I go home? Shot four hurls right, directly into the sand trap. I am now lying four in the sand (my worst possible shot in the bag) thinking I made a BIG mistake by taking up the stupid sport. I actually hit a perfect sand shot that hits the stick gently and deflects sideways four feet. Knees a klankin" I got up a drained the fucker to walked off with a six.  Bottom line, I lose to two players and beat a third that scored an eight to start my match.  What a weird game.

 

As you can see by the three cards above (for the three separate matches at one time) I played my first 3 holes, 16, 17, and 18 like Stevie Wonder...going 6,6,6. I continued nervous through seven holes. I was down 4-2, down 5-1, and tied 2-2. Not a good start. At that point something happened...don't know...I actually relaxed, and got 5 pars and 4 birdies in the next ten holes. That is about as good as I can play. I finished the final matches getting 8 1/2 points. Pretty cool ending, but here is the funny part,  I was through 17 holes... sitting pretty, before I drove one in to the shit on 18 on my way to a round ending nasty 9 carded on the final hole. On that hole I actually tied one of my competitors with my final 2 footer for a match win and 2 points... My 9 with a stroke to his 8 for a tie! Are you kidding me. Anyway, RICC won the tournament by 1 1/2 points.What a great experience. What wonderful team. Any what unbelievable sportsmanship.

A big wet kiss to Carol At RICC who thought of me as a last minute filler! Luv ya babe!

I am so nervous I want to PUKE!

Phelpsy asked me to join a team of ten to represent RICC today in Donald Ross Cup which pits us up against three other Donald Ross designed clubs (Agawam, Warwick and Metacommet) in a Ryder Cup style format. I will play against 3 other players, one from each club (net) .... 1 point for the front 9, 1 point for the back nine, 2 points for the match. I could win or LOSE 12 possible points. I am shaken so badly with nerves I am lucky to make to to the Agwam Hunt without totalling my car today.

Plans for Maple Avenue Cup next Thursday

Arrive when you want to hit balls at the range.

12:50 Team photographs on the first tee and the unveiling of The Golden Artichoke trophy

Tee Times

1:00  Dave P, Mark P, Dave A, Rob

1:08  Bill, Bob, BJ, Matt

Each group will do a ceremonial shot on the 9^th tee box, which is the piece of RICC land closest to the railroad tracks,  and christen this tee box with its new name “Rubicon” declaring  “Alea iacta est” (the die is cast), as Caesar did in 49 BC when crossing the river of Rubicon into Rome.

Cocktails & Cigars Proceeding as we fill in the scores on a large scorecard. No discussing scores, even among team mates until they are called for hole by hole.

Maple Ave Update: Trophy & opening ceremony plans are leaked.

The 1st annual Maple Avenue trophy, The Golden Artichoke, will not disappoint! Kyle will have it on the first tee box for opening ceremonies when it is rumored that the famous Italian politician and porn star Ilona Staller, "Cicciolina," will be singing the national anthem of both Italy and the US. 

Yeah, Golf is a tough sport!

Top 10 things that could explain this.

10. A mid life crisis. I wanted to look tougher and went to a top plastic surgeon to make my dreams come true.

9. I called my neighbor a dumb wop and he hit me with a very large zucchini that he was secretly packing.

8. I am depressed... I drank all night and got confused, I thought that was my wrist.

7. Larry, Moe, Curly... after all this years, we were obviously off our game.

6. It was a discount lobotomy. I had to fly to Napa, where instead to using the ice picks behind the eye sockets, they are experimenting with going in once in the middle with a cork screw.

5. It is a $10,000 nose job. I asked for a new nose that was a combination of Michael Jackson and Bruce Jenner. My eyesight is still blurry, was it money well invested?

4. I am growing a uni-brow.

3. You think hockey is a tough sport. I received this in a bench clearing brawl on the golf course. Talk about tough, they stitched me up while waiting to tee off between holes.

2. Mark, talk to your agent... I am replacing you in your current role. This picture was taken in make up.

1. I had a very small cylindrical growth between my eyebrows that was hard to see, but you could feel it. Doc said it was only going to grow. I had it removed. It will get biopsied, but it appeared to be nothing to worry about.

Getting ready for the Maple Avenue Cup next Thursday

I had to pee in a cup to check for steroids while someone watched.  They say if you multiply numbers under the pressure of urinal eyes is relaxes that part of the brain. If I only remembered how to multiply!

Here is our score card.